That In-Between Place of Nothing

I seem to be moving from that place of the caterpillar to the butterfly.

Maybe. Maybe not. But I certainly feel like I am no longer who I was, and am not yet certain who I will be.

When we work to surrender ourselves, body, mind and spirit, we must let go of what we were, before we can become who we were meant to be.

Sounds noble, right?

But there is this stage inbetween, it is what some call 'the death of the ego,' and others would describe as the coccoon, or crysalis. For me it is a place of nothingness.

For there must be no expectation of becoming a butterfly, if we are going to completely surrender. We must give up all hopes and attachments to our outcome.

There can be no doing it to get someplace, heal something, over come something or be a better version of yourself. That's all a lot of something to hold onto. Hence there is some ego there. Can you see it?

Instead in surrender we must surrender expectation. Surrender what we want to manifest if we do this deep work. It must be totally, unconditionally without any expectations.

Just a desire, or need, to give it all up. All of our striving. All of our trying to overcome. Trying to heal. Trying to be authentic. Trying...to be yourself even.

And just be. Let go of what you knew. Let go of who you thought you were.

I have been setting the intention to surrender for several months now. I would surrender a bit, then feel certain I knew what to do. And I kept coming back to, "I know what to do now!" I would try to turn things around with great belief it was time to get behind the steering wheel of my life, and direct the flow.

And then I just ended up back in the ditch. Because i really didn't know. It wasn't time. I took over the wheel before it was time.

Back to surrender.

Now I feel it. I have surrendered more. Given up my name(s.) Given up my identity. Feeling a kind of liberation in doing so.

And now I am mush. My old self is gone. When I think about my name, for instance, I don't have a name. I aak "Who am I?" I affirm, "I KNOW who I am..." and I get nothing.

I ask Spirit who I am. I hear, "Nobody."

And it doesn't feel insulting. It feels like truth. I am nobody.

I affirm, "I know why I am here." I ask Spirit, "What am I here to do?"

The answer is, "Nothing."

I am nobody doing nothing. And it feels okay.

The caterpillar creates the chrysallis, and disolves into nothing. It has no form. Is is absolute goo.

I am there. I am goo. Who I was felt so real at the time. But now being goo feels more real. More authentic.

I encourage you, if you are struggling through massive change, struggling with shifts happening in the Universe, then let go. Surrender. What is happening out there, is happening inside you as well.

Let it go.

There is a new world taking shape. We must go forward courageously, giving up who were were and how we coped in the world that we see disapperaring in the rear view mirror. We must be willing to let go of what worked, so we can become who we need to be, in a new world that is not yet formed either.

Only then will you know what to do. If you are here to do anything at all, wouldn't you like to know what would most benefit yourself and the world?

And not waste your precious time trying to chase after illusions?

When we reach the other side of transformation, if we do, maybe we will become butterflies. Maybe moths. Maybe I will be a slug for the rest of my life, or never find a new form.

But it's okay, I am letting go of the outcome.

I would rather be nobody for the rest of my life, then pretend to be something that isn't real.

Just finding peace with nothing. It's more real than anything you could ever imagine.